It was lunch with my colleagues at mac donald. happened to talk about pi pa gao for sore throat and cough. flashbacks came back~

The recent times when dad fed me with pi pa gao. Although at the age of 22 last year, i felt like his little kiddo who just pretended to sha jiao and not take 'medicine'. need him to be abit impatient and hold the spoon and plead me before i would actually eat it up.

I always tell dad, ru guo ni bu wei wo, wo jiu bu chi le. keke then he will feed me. :p

Hubby also always say, he'll take over this job of feeding me pi pa gao. =)

Missing u daddy!

lol. i guess i really treat u like as though u r really a bird with bird feathers on u. I have the urge of not going universal studio on my birthday 20 july, and instead go bird park and see birds instead.

I still cant bring myself to read my blog. I cant abandon u either lei..u contain too much memories. What if one day i want the memories back and i realise i foolishly deleted off this blog? I guess i ll regret.

So from now on, i ll only post without reading.

Today send off baby's cousin at the airport. I thought of dad again. In Nov 09 and Jan 10 respectively, it was when dad went to Guangzhou to do the surgery. Nov wasnt too bad, cos mummy was with him. Jan 10 was bad..cos it was when he suffered alot alone, without mum by his side. He came home in a bad shape.

Parting at the departure gate..waving goodbye..

ba ba de bei ying shi zhui hao kan de.

Fathers' Day 2011 is so different from the past 22 years.
No longer have a father physically.
Daddy i miss u lots.

Sorry for my past mistakes..especially during the period when taking care of u.

e

It's finally a new year, 2011! Looking forward to this finally year of challenges in school. School is starting tmr~~ for once in my life im slightly excited over school. Perhaps due to the events which happened recently, i rather keep myself busy than wallowing and stoning in my thoughts.

On christmas day, together with mum and 2 sisters and 3rd uncle and cousin mervyn, we set foot into Jakarta. 3rd uncle, aunt and mervyn are indonesia citizens, so they were our tour guides throughout the entire trip. They were very very good host to us. We felt so safe in their hands and had really lots of fun shopping. This trip is basically a shopping trip! cheap cheap.. went to Bandung also..visited alot of clothing factory outlets. Last few days went back to jakarta.We returned to SG on 31 dec, reached home 11 plus, in time for personal countdown to the new year.

Moving on now..life still gotta go on. I guess i can focus and study better.. but have to get used to not having the need of taking care of dad.. only housework.

Memories in our hearts~~

I'm so glad i took alot of pics with dad since 2009 onwards. They are stored in my hp. :)

16Dec thurs settled Dad's 'tomb' in the St Anne columbarium. Now every sunday i can go greet him. Heeeehee. In the evening had church penitential service. I made confession to priest. Mainly sins of my negligence during caregiving for dad..
I'll just assume dad forgave me for spraining his ankle on 30 nov. since that nite itself i asked if he could forgive me.. he cried...wellss...

17 dec fri: baby finally did his wisdom tooth extraction after dragging for almost 5 days cos he wanted to be by my side through the whole wake and funeral. He did a surgery at mount e hospital to extract 4 teeth in the end then inpatient for a night. I spent the whole night taking care of him. i even have my own bed..it's like a hotel stay. lol..

18dec sat: The check out timing for the night was 11am so we slept till 8am when the nurse came in.. Baby was given porridge as breakfast while mine was American style - 2 croissant with jam!went home.. shack...as i didnt sleep well for the night. It's after all not my bed.. and i needa get used to baby's snores.:p I went home and rest then at night went to his place to be with him. baby get well soon ya? love u.

19dec sun: omg i ve never been so srewed up before. As the 730 am choir needed help, lydia and i agreed that she would play the 730 one while i would play the usual 9am mass. However i overslept the entire mass and only woke up when lydia called when the mass was over. I woke up with a shock! Lydia and dom went for mc breakfast thus she only played from offertory onwards.. the entrance and responsorial psalm were acapella...

First time in my life i made such a boo boo. lol. They didnt blame me..but i just felt bad. It was purely oversleeping on my side.. not because my dad passed away.. This was what they thought.. but will i be so irresponsible??

The afternoon was spent in Ah ma house as usual. But today was some big celebration where uncles and aunties bring lots of meat.It was ahma's birthday on 20dec. And it was also dad's 7th day. Ah ma was totally unkeen in celebrating her birthday..that s so understandable. She cried.. i knew why.

In the evning was christmas carolling concert at Nativity church, organised by chinese choir. It was a fantastic night of songs.. but again brings back memories cos last year 5 of us attended together..haizz.. welcome back to reality and stop dreaming.

A fresh new week tmr. Mum wants a christmas getaway after so much had happened. Probably indonesia where my uncle can be our tour guide. lol but our passports all expired and haven even renew yet. Tmr im going for phototaking. See how things go..

Till then.

The dream begins...

13 dec Mon: The time when we cried very hard was not when we discovered he was dead, in fact we kept singing and talking to him, hoping that he would wake up, but he didnt. We called all our relatives to tell them rush down, we called fr siew to annoint him, and also doctor to come certify his death, then finally st joseph dying aid to take him away. The most unforgettable scenario was that of when people from SJDA carried and wrapped him up in the bedsheet with a layer of plastic lastly an orange sheet and then brought him away in the lorry.. I broke down. Hate saying byebye.

At the wake during the 2 days, it's more if entertaining lots of people.. regardless of whether we know them or not.. most of them are my dad's friends. At night was those prayer groups. Dad is really blessed. People must queue to pray for him. The entire oratory has 2 rooms, dad is in room 2. The first night of the wake proved that the small room and 11 tables outside was not enough. The second day was good. The wake in room 1 ended, so dad was given 'special', by having the partition door between the 2 rooms removed. In other words, our dad has the entire oratory to himself! But.. in the day 2 of the wake which is the final night, the room was packed almost like sardine. omg luckily he has the whole oratory.:)Dad must be go good that everyone wants to see him.:)

15 dec: Last day of wake. Everyone was prepared to bid goodbye. At 3 plus the photographer took our family pictures. As we wanted to put in additional stuff like the bottle of stars we made for dad, the motivational cards we wrote for him, and lastly a prayer cloth with him, Lydia requested for the coffin to be opened. It was an unforgettable sight..we saw his whole body, wrapped in the beautiful cloth.. touch his hands..and his face.. so great.. touching dad.. He was hard..totally stiffen.. I feel fingers, his forehead, cheeks..It was nice. So difficult to part.

At last his body was taken by the van to church where the funeral mass started at 5pm. It was in Chinese. Knowing that we did not want to have a urology, Fr Henry Siew, our celebrant gave quite a detailed description of our dad during his homily. During the wake the day before, Lynette and I provided him with alot of info. Hehe. A touching one..how true it is, that dad is a great man.

After mass was to Mandai crematorium, Hall 3.Ours at 6.45pm. Bidding goodbye was always not easy. I cant forget the part where we put flowers on his coffin to bid last goodbye. It was sad. After which we were directed to the viewing hall. Many said that this is the saddest part of all. We were prepared. At the same time, we constantly remind ourselves to pray when the coffin is being pushed in. My choir member Jenny instructed us before the mass, that we should pray the rosary as dad is being burnt, because that is when the way is pave for dad to go heaven and that heaven door will be open. True enough, at that point, I closed my eyes and hugged my hubby while at the same time held back tears and mumbled Our Father..mum heard me and prayed too..soon i think everyone in the room prayed in unison. It wasnt the worst after all.. Prayer works wonders! Thanks Jenny. I thanked her today during penitential service at st anne today. The night ended with a simple chinese dinner at Ah peng restaurant.

16 dec Thur, Today. A special day: Collection of ashes from Mandai at 3pm then installation in St Anne church's columbarium, My grandfather's (dad's dad) 5th year death anniversary, my 28th month-sary with hubby.

After the turning point since 4 nov, dad finally ended his pain on 13 Dec, 1030am peacefully at home. It was unexpected on that day, but expected as a whole. The moment his bed sore turned raw on sat, i knew i wanna let him go..

These 2 nights of wake at St Joseph Dying Aid Association at Nativity Church just proved that Dad is very blessed with the love from all his relatives, and his classmates, church friends etc.

I am gonna miss him very much, definitely, because he brought us up and we had accompanied him till the very very end. All the way, his pain was shared, and he was never alone suffering. I have no regrets because i had played a part in the caregiving journey. The only sad things will be some negligence i had while taking care of him..but i m sure dad will forgive me for everything.

No more night duty, no more backaches..
No need to feed him milk and medicine, change shirt, change diaper, massage, carry him from bed to wheelchair and vice versa,clean him, remove phlegm from throat, clean the feeding tube etc..I'll be super slack.. slacking like anything.

The past 6 weeks my life only revolve around taking care of dad..it s so not used to shifting my focus back to other usual stuff. I'll be back to school come january. Life goes back to normal.I'll study hard and get my degree! CHIONG AHHH!!!

Many things at home brings back memories and all these will be stored in our hearts for life. :)

Final day tomorrow..then i wont cry anymore. enough already:)

Daddy i love u!!:))

Good morning world! At 1pm. I had night duty last night..so practically i started sleeping after my dad stabilize around 6 am. Then wake up at 8 to change diapers then feed medicine then wait half hour before milk time. I slept from 10 to now.

Last night my mum and sis turned him to the left side..noticed he snored and gasped softer, means he doesnt breathe so hard in that position which is good. But cos his muscles don work, it was a very weird position for him.. i attempted the blinking method, asked if he wants back the original flat position, blink once. For once it works! He blinked! ok, back to the usual position. But the night was tough cos he started breathing hard, if i attempt to breathe at his tempo, i could feel im hyper-ventilating. Plus not sure if he hiccups for consecutive times. As i tried to fall asleep, i just got awake by his loud hiccups / breathing or whatever sounds. I would wake up and pat him. He would fall asleep. So cute:)

Mum just said that comparing with her mum who had lung cancer, she feels that dad only have a week or 2? i hope he still have christmas.

This aside, im looking forward to celebrating baby's mum's birthday tonight..gonna eat dinner together.:)

Updates time! My life since 4 nov revolves around my dad. November was the month that everything came crashing down..things started to become realistic. It was the time when dad's health became like a roller coaster: from stroke to cant swallow cant eat to stroke to cant talk to cant walk to now totally on bed. Everything happened too fast in a month that it was a bit unbelievable..cos everything was fine before then. He could still eat by himself very slowly a few mouthfuls, could still walk within the room though he was already in diapers then. He could still reject my help with his diapers when mum went out.

Currently he sleeps more than anything else. We no longer need to carry him from bed to wheelchair, from wheelchair to bed. This tiring process which cease starting from this week cos he feels pain when we transfer him. ok..save me from all the back pain i experienced since 3 weeks ago.. but everyday means that the day is just getting nearer and nearer. Two days ago, Dr keh came again cos dad's neck and right hand was too stiff that we cant turn him and change him. She managed to massage and rub his arm such that he loosened up. That was very good. However i realise that the more i exercised and massage his limbs, the more sleepy he felt and the louder he snore..haha.. very cute.t But on hindsight it just prove that every action by us requires him to exert much more energy. Also he is breathing deeper now..lungs also accumulating phlegm. Hmm.. so shld i continue to move his hands and legs.. i also dunno.

This period of time also makes me feel that my hubby is so important to me. He pops by to my place after work almost everyday..buys dinner and lunch (if he's on leave). Ahma likes him very much too, always cooking his share of any soup hahaas. So looking forward to 16 aug next year.. we're gonna have our solemnization on our 3rd anniversary. I'll be Mrs Desmond Yao legally..hehe although not recognized in Christ yet.. but yep.. we'll definitely have church wedding and dinner before collection of keys to our new flat.

Till then..:)

Time flies. This week supposed to be my exams week but i filed for I grades last week so will be torturing myself next term by carrying forward all 4 papers to next term. That means within a week, i'll be doing 7 papers.. hopefully i wont die of exhaustion..haha! Many asked why i don clear at least 1 or 2 so that my next term wont be that bad. Yes, that was my initial plan, in week 13, 2 weeks before exam when dad was discharged from TTSH. I planned on 1-2. Attempted to study. Mum wasnt supportive of my studies, to the surprise of my relatives, as i was expected to be part of the 'night duty' team. Tried studied by dad's bedside, but its just too tough cos most of the time im thinking of how to 'adjust' dad as he couldnt move.. Night duty also means very light sleep as dad is like an owl, awake at night. Thus my morning / afternoon is usually spent sleeping. Of course, sleeping in the day isnt that easy..with noises and relatives visits etc... so in week 14 monday, i couldnt take it anymore. decided that i shall cast away everything. I feel less pressured when im fully focused on my dad. Just nice that day the hospice doc came to our house. randomly got her to write me a letter then i submitted to sch and emailed all my profs abut my situation. They all supported my case.:)

Today is also the 10th day dad is put on feeding tube. We persuaded here and there that at last he decided to just try it out. Of course, he suffered 1 day 1 night without food, water and medicine. Even when we showed him a piece of paper with 3 choices: Yes, No, Consider, he kept pointing at No, till on 16nov, he gave himself a chance of surviving. If he'd continued rejecting the insertion of tube, he would have pass on within a few days. Honestly we were not prepared... 16nov 12 plus..i sat beside him..he's scared.. kept holding on to our hands very tightly when the nurse took out the long tube from her bag. Haha actually i was also very very scared at that time..but gotta 'act' strong. The 4 of us joked and laughed trying to divert his attention while the nurse insert the tube through his nostril into the stomach. Process took awhile... Done! Then we were taught how to feed.

As days passed, his health weakened. His legs muscles deteriorated. Currently he can no longer stand straight and totally rely on us to tranfer him from bed to wheelchair and vice versa. His phlegm increased..such that he is at risk of lung infection, but luckily not now..

Since 3 days ago i was down with lymph node infection..so cant take care of bird. mum hired a nurse..damn zai..although she's very thin, she had alot of strength such that she can managed pulling dad up on the bed alone. omg..

Anyway..i feel so lucky to have my hubby around. Knowing that i cant go out anymore during the weekdays, he always buy dinner for my family and stayed at home with me. Ahma treat him like his grandson-in-law already..LOL!

Just within a day, yesterday, after i completed all the projects: reports and presentations, dad had stroke and became half paralysed. currently he's bedridden, and just basic stuff like turning/shifting himself on bed is a hard task for him.

Whole night we didnt sleep cos he choked on the morphine. Hospice doc already warned us that his stroke will caused difficulties in 3 things: eating (swallowing), speech and breathing. That night we re told to observe his condition. And yes, we really didnt get to sleep cos dad kept fidgeting on bed, trying to stand up and walk but cant cos his right side is practically strengthless. at 4 plus am he was in uncomfortable state so we called ambulance.. sent to TTSH.

Ok anyway,compared to jul when dad was admitted into GH, TTSH nurse service really sucks la. ok la, to be fair, the nurses were quite good, but just feel they are inefficient as compared to those in GH.

From helping dad to shift himself, carrying him up so as he could stand up, holding him and supporting him so that he can urinate etc.. all these require huge physical strength where im still trying to adjust myself.. me having history of back pains had to overcome all these, but all is worthwhile for dad.

In terms of nutrition, we are taught how and when to feed him, since swallowing and choking for him are becoming more problematic. Doctors suggested tube feeding, insert a tube through the nose into the stomach. But we asked dad a few times he didnt want. Basically if he cant swallow and if he has no feeding tube,not only he cant have nutition intake, but also no medication intake. He can just go within a week. I called fr siew to ask if rejecting nutrition tube is a form of sin under catholic law, and is 'glad' that the answer was, "no, up to patient".

We know what he wants, and whatever it is we'll protect his rights, his rights to choose.. whether to enforce treatment or not. After all, these so called palliative treatment are just but life preservation which just brings pain to him. I know dad just wish to go, peacefully and if possible, more comfortably with less pain. Dad, we'll protect u, cos we know u want and we d promise u what u want. We respect u in every choice u make, even if means letting u go..Mum cried when we were asked to make decision whether to administer the tube feeding or not. At that point we knew the decision lies in dad.

However, just as everyone was feeling depressed abt this tube thingy, speech therapist did another round of swallowing tests for him. When tickener is added to his water and liquid meal, dad could actually swallow!OMG. so at least for now, we know the feeding tube is not necessary. the therapist taught us that feeding him can only be under 3 circumstances: 1) when he's not tired, 2) when he's alert 3) when his swallowing does not slow down. Yet however, it means that feeding dad will be even more difficult task.

Immediate family members aka all my aunts and uncles came visiting. My dad's close church fren, aunty junying came to give him holy communion. Lol cos dad cant eat the whole piece of communion, lydia and i got a share too. hehe.. feel so blessed after receiving jesus. aunty did healing prayer for dad, kinda emo which evoke tears in all of us. I find it realistic.. where dad really released himself emotionally and just cried out loud, helplessly. He must have suppressed himself too much. I saw him teared occasionally ever since he fell sick. But to see him really cried out, it s the first time in my life..

Moving ahead, we start to plan and imagine what it wld be like after we bring him home. Preparations need to be made.. needa rent wheelchair, a bed like that in hospital, more space at home etc.. And we gotta be prepared, that every single action of his requires help, and we got to have strength.

We are prepared. Bird feather, we're prepared to walk through these final journey with u. It's gonna be more painful and difficult, but we always feel no hassle at all, because u r the husband, and the father.

We never lose hope since the start, and will never lose hope till the end, cos we have god.:)

Finally im so glad that since these few days dad stay in hosp, means mum can finally sleep well at night. Ever since dad's condition worsens, she had never been able to sleep through the night. good night mum!

It s week 3 of school. This term im taking 5 modules: Ethics, CAT, Political economy, Consumer banking and trade finance. Probably only 1 project started so i m feeling quite loose still. Attended career talks for the past 3 weeks: HSBC, citi, MAS, Credit suisse, MOF and DBS. was kinda tired today so i didnt go for ocbc. missed a good chance actually, cos among all the talks all the venue are in sch except ocbc, which is at their main building.

Anyways.. as usual, dad's condition can be described as qian bian wan hua. Starting from this week he started to vomit almost every after meal..poor thing. Whenever he finished vomitting he ll feel very tired and plus he s got constipation too.. well.. being sick is just so scary cos it seems like he's just degenerating away.

Anyway baby im missing u right now. Hug me on sat!!

It s the 3rd day of school and readings are piled up! Nonetheless, im taking a very slack attitude now.. cos as weeks goes by, the study life gets tougher.. well this is smu life i guess?...

Sch's aside, family is rather in a mess cos dad's health is deteriorating...first time vomiting today. Now since he does not want to continue chemo, he's just relying on local injections which is quite short term, perhaps just to control the pain. Whatever it is, i do believe he s strong enough to bite things through.

Missing hubby!:)

It s 16810 today. After HSBC talk at night i met up with hubb to give him my second present - i did the scrap page using our free couple picture taken at ion by IDA. heh. did the final step- lamination in sch just before the talk.

Had a nice 2 -day celebration! Happy 2nd Anniversary bb. this is the last time im sayin for the day haha.

Back at home, dad s condition is not good. suspected, or rather it s a not yet reveal truth, that dad's tumor in the head is growing such that the headache is getting worst..pain till tears came. =( Jiayou k, no matter what we wont give up!

After writing on your fb wall, sending u sms and on our xxx, i wish u here again:

Happy 2nd yr Anniversary Hubby.

I love u forever!!!

Although it s been a few times since i see he teared, it s the first time i hear him cried, while he was talking about his condition to his church friend. Told the friend very detailed about the spreading of cancer cells etc... emo-ed. I really loss for words to say to him.. just said, daddy, wo men yong yuan zhi chi ni.:) Im going to talk to him soon.:))

It s the 2nd anniversary celebration today at orchard!!

I received my present - a handmade white grand piano toy. omg it s super beautiful with all the messages written on it. I love it very much.:) hopefully next week make a trip to daiso to get a box so that i can store the fragile piano. Soon i got a dress as we shopped at Far east plaza. heh:))

My present to him was a finger mouse. That s not a normal mouse ok.. it s a new gadget. a mouse operated using our finger. But anyway i dont know how to use it at all so it s for him to try.

Dinner was a treat by me @ Island cafe Tangs. wow.. this is probably the first time i treat baby to something more expensive than kopitiam. He s always the one paying for my everything.:) it s like supporting me financially apart from physically and emotionally.:p

Hubby, Happy 14810, our saturday celebration day! One Six Eight Ten is coming and u ll receive my handmade present..hehehe..

iloveu.

Mum asked me to sleep with dad tonight. Deep inside me i really detest, cos the weather is too hot for me to sleep without air con and mild fan which is like just a very small wind as dad cant take huge wind. Feel bad..but being a light sleeper.. really light i mean.. i know i cant sleep.. i rather wake up in the middle of the night to give him morphine and painkillers. will be waking up at 2 plus later.

After working at IE singapore i had a few weeks of break which gave me very good rest.. staying at home with my parents and helping out etc. I kinda felt excited for school to start. Perhaps dad's sudden worsening condition is 'eroding' some of my enthusiasm for school to start. Cos the responsibity will fall on mum when all of us are not at home, and she definitely cant take it.

Baby: u r my pillar.:)

Dad's condition is not very optimistic now..but we re always continuously fighting the war with him. We will never give up. I believe the more pain and suffering he is going through here, he will reap returns in heaven next time... the return of his Chest pains attacks, new eye/eyelid problems, headache, legs even number and weak, diarrohea or constipation everyday..all this are taking huge toil on him. Press on daddy!! We r always behind u!

Had a tiff with hubby today but all is resolved. Actually don know why im upset today.. maybe his comment about my top..or whatever.. but i just know it s so difficult to fight a cold war with him. Attempt no 1 and i failed..ZZZzzz..love him too much. I know he will never ever let me go.:)

Counting down to sch in 1 week s time. 16 aug = day 1 of school = 2nd anniversary.

Dad is discharged yesterday after 7 days. And the best part is that doctors still do not know the cause of his headache cos his MRI brain scan shows no sigh of stroke. So for the past 7 days, he's just given 2 panadols and morphine which in the first place we have all these at home..

Could it be side effects from chemo that is unexplainable? hmm..

Things doesnt look good for now, but the most important part is for him to accept everything.

...

At baby 's house using his network cos our mio broke down again which means we have no phone and internet. Had called up the technician this afternoon and he said the earliest slot is this sun. urgg. so i didnt facebook nor email nor blog for almost 5 days. But anyway it isnt any big inconvenience cos i spent all my afternoons and nights in the hospital.

Baby's working so hard now.. to bring back the bacon...:)

Have been quite a tiring two days spent in hospital cos dad is unwell so thurs morning woke up freaking early to bring him to A&E, then he was admitted to ward. Don know when can discharge also cos he need to do some scan.

Public vs private hospital....

On another note, it's finally the weekends and seems like i haven hug baby for a long time since he fell sick on wed and got 2 days off from work.

I WANT A HUG TMR PLS.

It s the 3rd consecutive day that i did wrong things and got scolded..though trivial, but to me, what dad says impact me 100%, cos he's my dad. But well,knowing that people can say un-nice things in the fit of anger, mum taught me the art of just taking in words which i deem fit. It s always a good skill to learn, cos after all, a green horn like me needs to be polished up and get ready for the 'cruel' corporate world. I need to learn to take in harsh words, even though at times i feel they are inapplicable to me.

I love baby so much, so much and so much. For he's the person whom i most admire.. one who's my idol, whom i have a lot to learn from. And well, he humbly says this is due to his age. He is 5 years older than me, so more mature and possesses more life experience than me eh? I felt so good after talking to him a short well ago. Even though he's sick himself, i can still feel his 'presense'.

Hopefully bird's headache has nothing to do with having new cancer in his brain. This is the worst news ever we can get so far. Today he complained of having double vision.

Baby's sick too.. hope u 2 get well soon!!:)

I love dad.

I love hubby.

It's like... i never even click on the blog site that those people asked me to visit. Why they still like to tag on my cbox nowadays? kinda weird.. wonder if i accidentally revealed any of my information somewhere..

ZZz it s a monday! very quiet monday as usual.. with me reading and playing piano. Again became dad's chu qi tong. This time could be my fault, spend up to 15mins bathing after i woke up.usually less than 10 min. Then i kena scolded, said why do i need to bathe after i wake up and before i sleep.. as if my body is very dirty etc. Probably he thinks im wasting water and time. But anyway, the key to everything is just to nod my head and shut up. My dad doesnt like the word 'sorry', probably it s too cliche, and over the months i learn to just say orh and be remorseful so as not to repeat mistakes again. This way he's happier i think.

Im kinda worried for dad too. He had been having headaches and SERIOUS diarohoea for the past 5-6 days. ok not surprise, he's forever having diarohhoea but this time kinda serious cos it s the last round of chemo. Probably already hit the max le. Whatever it is, see how things go..

St Anne's Feastday is finally over! This year is a slack one for our choir as we re not involve in the procession mass unlike last year. Only need to play for 2 weekday. Baby has got more responsibilities in the choir as he had been elected as the vice-president. well..;)

Anyway as i put on my facebook status, about me having tasted the world's bast pasta, a few friends had been curious and asked me where i tasted it. Actually it was baby who cooked it. It was the first time i tried his cooking yesterday at his place. Although the 2 ends of hot dog is chao tah, the rest of it tasted very nice. And while turning off the oven switch, he accidently got himself burnt! omg, it s kinda serious as i could see some visible flesh. Poor boy.

I love u to bits, baby! Thank u for doing so much for me.=)

Haizz.. and another stupid thing i did.. yesterday at late at night was checking my sch mail and some sch portal. The system prompted me to change my password. I changed, a few times but keep getteing rejected? why? too secure liao.. alot of requirements eg must have capital letters, numbers, symbols etc.. i needed time to find the most simplest-to-type password so as to even access my laptop. OK i was happily chatting with my sis while i typed new passwords and keep getting rejected and try again. Until it was accepted. I went facebooking for a few minutes. LOls what 's the password? I forgot. omg im need to go sch on tues to reset my password just in case my mailbox is flooded.

It s so stupid.. people are advertising using my tag board and it s so disturbing looking at them.

Hmm im wondering what s the little pig doing now.. probably having meeting and busying at work. Jiayou okiex baby? Im always here for u. Looking forward to cya later.

Hope all is well at work. Well, the weekends are coming!:p

It was a perfect birthday yesterday, spent with hubby at Universal studios. This year he flooded me with many pressies, the trip, a carebear which we named it ice kacang cos it's multicolored, a dress, a t-shirt and flowers delivery to my place.

It was a tuesday morning. The flowers- 10 red roses, 10 yellow daisies, 6 pink teddies and 6 purple teddies, all placed in a chest, were delivered around 8.35am. Baby drove and reached my place around 9.25pm and we headed to vivo. We took a big breakfast set at mac harborfront. After reach set off to universal studios at 10 plus where the fun begins!

Took many rides apart from roller coasters and accelerators as im scared of them. went for all stage shows and a street entertainment performance. managed to tour the entire place.

Baby bought me and himself a t-shirt. He bought his parents a magnet while i bought my sisters chocolates.

Thank u, hubby for applying leave and give your day for me. You planned the entire day and made it so smooth for me. It was your presense that mattered throughout the day. The hugs from behind me where we keep camwhoring non-stop. The conversations we had walking on path lanes, be it when the sun was hot, or when it rained and we shared an umbrella.The times when u hold my hand in any rides or stage shows asking me if im scared etc, the hugs u give me keep me warm. i love u!

you ignored calls from office..yep cos now u r 'many-zer'. LOL i mean manager, to be serious, u have more responsibilities at work so by taking leave means your email will be flooded and u gotta work more when u get home or the next day. i know..it s tough for u like sometimes u face stress from boss and customers. I'll be more understanding okiexxx???

The greatest thing in all my life, is knowing/ loving u! i really cherish u, and when i say this, i swear i mean it. I know in this world, no other guy loves me as much as u do. Don worry too, no one other than u will want me also de. So we will have each other for life!:) God gave me u, and he gave u me. You are mine and I am yours.

Just wanna reassure u that no matter what, how tough is your work, u have me. Just as i m so dependent on u, u can depend on me too. i love u and honor u all the days of my life.:)

I love u baby! i'll stop here if not i ll be even more emo and miss u too much. Hug me soon!

I need u.

I love u Hubby!

Thanks for loving me so much..

Your love, care, concern and all.

Looking forward to 2012:)

Birdie's last chemo tmr. blood test today.

omg. i'll never frequent ngee ann city again. its the 7th time i m going for these 2 weeks!! mount e is a boring hospital. CTE jam, cairnhill jam, but sadly taxi fare no jam.

Tmr celebrating my 23 monthsary with dearie pig. actually there s no special celebration..just the his presense is already sufficient. Well, but next month will be different. heh.:)

I suddenly yearn for school to start. why do i feel excited about it? Shouldnt i feel sian? :) Probably i ve taken enough quality rest and am ready for challenges.:)

Ahhh graduation in jul 2011 but commencement wait till jul 2012. Hopefully twin is in time for 2012, and my dad can enjoy our 3 sisters' graduation ceremonies. yup lynette will grad from np in 2012 too. Dad is waiting~

Happy 23th Month-sary Hubby!

Eternal love i give to u eternally!

I love u!

Dad's second last chemo today. stayed at mount e from 9 - 5plus pm. just waiting to see Dr Ang takes around 2 hours. was too so tired that i sat on the sofa and sleep. private hospital has good facilities. There's a rest-cum-newspapers corner, whereby my parents and i like to chill there.

Slept from 845pm to nearly 12 midnight! woke up and get shocked as im afraid later in the night i cant sleep..

ZZZzzzz..

how should i start the topic...

dad like tearing now... only me and him at home..

im in his room and his lying on his bed..

aiya how ah.. just gave him tissue and i haven ask anything..

probably after he cool down shall concern abit? ...

zzz

Haha my hubby complained that now since im having holidays, should meet up more often eg 2 weekday nights instead of just 1, apart from the weekends.

Okiexxx. lol!

i'll haunt u more often!

I m enjoying every bit of the holiday now, doing housework, reading, watching tv, slacking with my parents, watching vcd with etc..

Generally my 4 months of holiday (Apr-Aug) turned out to be a good one, with 5 weeks of studying game thoery, 3 weeks of working at IE Singapore, and the rest as mentioned above. Glad can spend more time with my dad, seriously i ve never spend so much time with him before.. last time school is busy..didnt do things like watching shows and crunching tidbits together. He says having me at home makes the house more 're nao'. lol. he admitted that having me at home is good. my mum also likes ba.. got someone to bao all the housework except cooking. haha.

Looking forward to school also. Now in the process of bidding modules. Haven
confirmed all my modules yet.. because there is trade off in whatever manner. It s either not having the desired x-day week or having a sucky exam timetable (like having 3 papers within 27 hours).

Anyways, 2 major events coming up. hubby got his leave approved on my birthday to bring me to universal studios. 2nd year anni coming soon too. it falls on the first day of school lol.

Thank God for always making things good after all. Or rather the situations are not as bad as i think cos God always make things good for us.:)

It was a after-rain-sunny-evening when mum decided that she wanted to go hougang mall, so dragged me along. went to buy food for the whole family. stood at the hokkien mee stall, waiting super long for my 2 packets of hokkien mee. Suddenly, someone.'s arm came over my shoulder. To my 'horror', (i mean surprise) it was hubby! LOL. i didnt tell him im going to hougang mall. So my mum and him met first then baby came to the stall find me while my mum chatted wif his parents..

After that mum and i went to ntuc buy stuff and baby called me to say they finished dinner. Perfect timing, baby fetched us back.

Indeed, we re FATED!

A negative experience turns out to be a positive one.

Life is indeed full of unexpected stuff! At the lowest point which i feel, it's actually purely my imagination. Things are always not as bad as i think!

This summer is a fufilling one.. with study in may and working in jun. :) I feel accomplished.

Well, july.. im going to enjoy to the max after which school starts on 16th aug. Our 2nd year anniversary~ My 22nd birthday too. Looking forward to the birthday trip to universal studio.

Looking forward to the future~ working life, marriage life etc:) Finally got the flat confirmed!

Life is full of hope so always live life to the fullest!

Im very sick now.. that s why got time to blogg.. decided not to abandon u, blogg. cos u r too pinky cute!

don look forward to go to work at all..

it's weekends yet im working. cos this job allows me to WFH (work from home)..im just given deadlines so make sure i produce the final products.

19 march. At 830am, i called ncc to arrange an 'emergency' appointment for my dad. squeezed out a slot for him at 1115. At first he didnt want to go..then after persuading, he went lor.

Doc said the cancer spread to the bones. omg so that 's why his rib cage pain then breathing pain also. gave him a big bottle of morphine to be taken daily every 4 hourly. he's better i guess. but things wont be looking good in the upcoming months i guess.

mum said her mum which means my grandma that i never met before passed away in may 83 due to lung cancer..went through a very painful process then coulnt make it. haiya but anyway ya..now i realised to be sick is a very slow and painful process..so health is really important.

Hope i can still focus and get back on track.. these 2 days our family in high state of vigilance, even got to call our uncle over..

i believe the more sufferings you have on earth, the better the life u will get in heaven in future. this is what mum says.

Next week and the following is finally coming. Everything will chop chop end on 13th apr. I have test+presentation+ shipping final exam next week follow by 2 presentations the following week and 3 papers then everything will end sweetly!!!:)

Counting down to 13th april 2010!

sigh back to equity proj~ cant believe we're the first group to present at 8.30am that day.

Just feel like writing down how much sadness i have when typing this. am i crying or what or i feel my tears dropping as i typed this.

Yesterday was the first time i witness how much pain he has when he had breathing difficulties. He grabbed the nutella hard and pant.. and he gave me a fake and painful smile just to bluff me that he's alright. mum says he tolerated since sunday. doc says probably tumorSSSSS in the lungs grow big and breathing diffulthes is the symptoms. then today reach home after mnc class. got ranted cos i talked. i insensitive la.. as the most painful moment i said daddy jiayou wor hugg hug k. stupid la i meant invisible one, a mental support one as i know he heading to toilet. then made him angry. after calming down he said it's alright. mei shi.

now? outside his room but don dare to go in talk to him.

reality sets in. but im shock that it's too fast. or is it time to be prepared? ppl say i thot must alr prepare long ago. but i think im too positive to even think what will happen in future.

I FEEL LIKE A SINNER NOW. HE"S PANTING LIKE MAD. im cryin. heart bleed. tears r

And so on 8 march was the day we chose our punggol 4-room flat at HDB hub - Punggol sails opposite the punggol bus interchange. Now, another additional liability, apart from baby's car, our home! It's really another milestone.

I have a new aim too. wont be looking for internship this coming 4 month summer holidays, but i'll complete 2 modules instead. So..im thus heading for graduation in jul next year rather than having to extending beyond another term that only graduates me in dec. Hehe the thought of this motivates me to strive.

My parents is defitenely supportive of this. I know dad really wants to see us graduate fast! (Year 2011 graduation..after that get job and get married and get flat in 2014) This phrase shall be embedded in me, reminding to work towards these new hopes and direction.

It's maritime econs test tmr. It's the second test in my term surprisingly cos all my modules only have assignments, not mid terms! 3 more projects and presentations to clear. Lysias, please buck up!!

will be going down to HDB hub on 8 mar to pick flat!

Anyway..haiz..although its the term break, somehow cant feel it. im so packed with assignments and project meetings. But im already very glad that for the past 7 weeks, school's been treating me really WELL. This term really rocks. i have no midterms at all thus spare me from all the intensive studying.

It's week 9 next monday. Counting down to week 15. Next week onwards will be very busy cos it s the actual start of my 3 projects. For all my projects all the while we've just been stuck in the initial stage..so..conclusion is..enjoy the remaining days i have this week.

The bad thing is: i ve yet to secure an internship. Sometimes im just wondering, shld i work becos i want experience and money, or should i place my family first and just spend more time with my dad? well..Let's see what job i can find first..

Sister's birthday tmr, 25 feb:) and she's having her last paper in NP also tmr. lol. Good for her:)

It's a happy wonderful sweet cny 2010~

The second time since last year that i actually bai nian and got lots of angbaos. The highest in history, considering that i go m'sia with parents every year. 320$!!!

And Happy 1 1/2 year, hubb. It's another milestone and so glad that we're gonna celebrate tmr.

From sat- church to reunion dinner to sun- lunch buffet at ah ma house to mon- church to dinner at baby's mum's side to today- lunch at my aunt's place, it was just full of fun and family warmth. I wont say i prefer this over the past before 2008 cos i m still anticipating that one day, the 5 of us can go back to our usual 'bi nian' culture in m'sia: from desaru to kota tinggi to fraser hill to malacca to KL to Genting to cameron highlands. Dad misses all these places!! Hopefully the day comes.:) He said time flies..but why he's still in pain. can his pain fly just like time?

Anyway, it 'll be a good week for me! going school tmr... and having ash wed mass at 8pm. See? After a few days of big feast, it's the time of fasting tmr. Take a chance to burn off my fats.

Off to practice the organ~

It's the festive season once again. At least i can feel it..hehe..this semester no single midtern for me!! cant believe life has been so simple thus far. with only 4 modules, 4 projects, and 4 presentations, where 2 of them just over this week. Therefore i need to be strong and steady. no stress. Things are so different from last term. i feel as if im in week one of school. Haha. or probably the project season is not really here yet. well, thank god that im so good so far.:)

Ok the topic about CNY. Just back from ahma place eating reunion dinner. It's gonna be Valentine day tmr. pre-celebrated quite sometime ago, so it doesnt matter to me. anyway will be seeing baby tmr in church. will be exchange prezzies!! Today was my first surprise where i got a box delivered to my house. A huge balloon with 'i love u'. super nice. and bouquet of red roses with a teddy bear. Thanks darling!

Monday will be appearing for dinner at baby's family. Tues is the 18th month = 1 n 1/2 yrs! will be celebrating on wed though.. after Ash Wednesday mass in church.

Now as u can see.. all occasions clash together! :)

Happy chinese new year, folks!

CNY is coming! Surprisingly that this term my life is very easy with just 4 modules and 3 projects and presentations. But many more assignments though..

As the 'new year' approaches, i have nothing to wish for (i mean i don wish to expect even better grades anymore) except to hope that my dad will feel better. It's kinda 'shock' for me that after spending 3 weeks in Guangzhou..thought it was a very good choice over chemo in sg, that he came back feeling even worst. His legs giving him more problems now.. walking used not to be such a hassle. zzz really hope to see his health strenthen again.

That aside, talking about baby, lest he say i dun mention him in my blog.:)
eh sat was fun. My first time at airshow. and last last sat even more fun, went to sentosa see how RWS looked like.

Off to preparing my presentation on Carrefour!

Finally back last night. But my heart aches when i see him suffer, getting weaker since he return after 3 weeks. It seems like my relatives know more than us.. it always hurts to knoe the truth..but i rather know it than not to know it..so as to be emotionally and mentaly prepared when the time comes. used to be very positive when handling this..perhaps bluffing myself..and now being practically..trying to face it with stride. Finally understood why ah ma cried the other time cos i experienced it today. Extremely teary..just at the thought of anything, including when im reading my econs notes. Need to change the way i see things, find back that steady me. Grades are not important anymore..i really don care already..why bother so much when i know i have even more important stuff to bother？

Dear heart, please bestronger and don ache when u see him ok.

I m steady:)

HDB's letter!!!

Queue no : 146

Hope to be able to pick a good unit next month!out of 403 units..

Punggol sails or ripples???? :)

Good for me..i haven been really into work this weekend. Nothing but love and fun.;) saw how beautiful the RWS at sentosa was.. Anyway.. im counting down to my birthday hahhaha! Only then u will bring me to universal studio!
and today was first time gathering with the yao side..makes me feel that im well-accepted into the family.dad's side.. ;)

Every moment spent with u make me feel that u r just the only one, the only soul mate i always want to find in life. Nothing else matter already..even if i know the world is to fall on me..i know at the end, i have u to rely on. ;)

That aside, dad is coming home soon!! this sat! Counting down everyday..every moment..unconciously. It's just 3 weeks.. and i cant get used to being so slack.. like in the morning must spend half hour do his chinese medicine.. sweep the lawn..at night heat the water bag.. massage..chat..etc. Although sometimes we might be very busy..we love doing these stuff. ;) Hope to see him stronger day by day. ;)

Reverie concert by SMU Ivory Keys last nite at the esplanade was superb!

It's 1688 + 17 mths = 16110.

Happy 17th monthsary!

i love u more and more each day!

Had a nice celebration today.

Good movie and food at outbacks.

It's the second week of school! Hopefully this term my workload will be lighter since im doing only 4 modules instead of 5. will learn to take things in my stride, while i'll mug and mug in my own world. It's a brand new start for me.;)

I need to work towards my dream. But honestly is more to family rather than career.

Bird had been to Guangzhou since sat. Almost one week already. Hope he will enjoy himself though.

17th month is coming soon~ It's been a long long journey and more to come! The best present will of course be the flat. Punggol sales or ripples???

Suddenly feel like using the word i have never used before. ****. results damns disappointed. should i plead him not to go???

It's new year's eve today! Tmr is a fresh new year..so excited. year 2010!
Same as last year, countdown will be at church..where after thanksgiving mass which commences at 10pm there's rosary (again..not that i dread..but rosary i pray every night de..) and then the choir will sing hymns and try to drag time till midnight.

New year signals new start. I hope my studies go well..i mean i can study happily. My dad 's health will improve and wish all the tumors will keep away from him, don keep dividing and spread in him. I m thankful that God gave me a wonderful husband to be. I wish we will get a chance to pick the flat at Punggol next month.

All in all..2009 had been good and bad, i experienced lots of ups and downs. Nonetheless, i wanna thank God for everything and everyone i have.

Happy new year everyone! ;)

School is really starting in 5 days' time! Ahh!!That spells the end of my almost 2 months of holiday.

Dad just confirmed that he'll be leaving for his lung surgery in Guangzhou on 9th of jan..and wont be around us for 3 weeks..zzz..and it has yet been decided if my mum will be going..

Looking forward to spent new year's eve, fri and sat with Laogong before school commences and i'll back to become a mugger.However this mugger will not forget her loved ones..

2012. Enter corporate world and most probably become Mrs Yao?
Dreaming everyday.;)

22122012 okkkk?????

It's finally the time to settle down. From last thur christmas eve till yesterday, went through the christmas eve midnight caroling and mass, christmas parties at ah ma's house, baby's cousin house, my aunt's house, choir outing at swensons and the vines opp novena church, couple shopping with baby etc. It s so much of fun and bonding with relatives and friends.

Yet this week is not the end. Our choir is again in-charge of the 10pm Thanksgiving mass on new year's eve. Im going to enjoy the rest of this week before school commences next week. kinda excited.. must enjoy my remaining 2 years at smu. After that will be joining the coporate workforce for the rest of my life. So, how can i not enjoy school now?

It's time to get mentally prepared to go back to school.

This time, steady and happy.

Today's a very packed but good day. A family day that i ll remember always. Lunch was at chinese swimming club - Tung Lok restaurant where the entire Sze family ate and celebrate ahma's birthday. I think this is by far the first outing our family have??;)

After a 8-course meal, went home. Mum rented a vcd, a jack neo film so the five of us watched together.

Dinner was at MacDonalds. After that we went to Nativity Church for the Christmas Carolling Combined choir Concert. mum's chinese choir but she never play. We were the audience sitting below the stage and soaking ourselves into the beautiful music put up by the choirs from various churches. And hubby didnt go becos..i know he's buying my christmas pressie. kekeke what did he buy for me??

And i was reminded of something which is so important. Christmas eve is coming soon and i ve yet started to do any organ settings for the midnight mass. Oh no, got to really put my butt on the chair and start to practice those christmas songs. And to prepare a black file with all scores intact and in order for the carolling before the mass.

Have been going out shopping with Hubb the past two days as he's on leave on every fridays and mondays for the dec period. Tue im going to rebond my hair. The second hair rebonding evrsince jun 07. So happy.

Looking forward to get christmas eve done and 2 christmas parties on christmas day!

i got my 16th soft toy today the 16th for the 16th month anniversary. going church for practice tonight. going church for the rest of this week. tmr and fri.

I cant believe christmas is next week. Haven even start to practice the xmas songs!!

These days i keep dreaming of my future home. Just found in some corner of the HDB website that the pungol that i applied is expected to complete by jun 13 and delivered in may 14. It was one sunny day on 30 nov when we feel like looking at that website that we saw this new BTO project. the deadline was..30nov. hahaha straight away we applied. But i didnt know when the flats will be ready till today. Anyway it was kinda surprising to me that in jan, new BTO projects might be released in Hougang.will apply for hougang if cant get punggol...

Dad's scan results out next week. Hope for the best.

My stomach contains alot of good food now. don dare to weigh myself now.. cos i feel im getting fatter and fatter. Had 3 birthday parties over the weekend, and 2 last weekend! Today: afternoon was wendy's 21st at kyra cafe, a cosy little place. Evening was Hubby's grandma birthday at restaurant at recreational club. Yesterday's was PK's birthday gathering at pizza hut hougang mall, but we gave kbox a miss. Next sunday is the last bday party to attend, my ahma's birthday!

After all the birthday parties come all the x'mas parties. church..my mum's side..my dad's side..hubby side..

For this year, our choir is in-charge of the high mass, midnight mass. Lots of practices coming up during the weekdays.. \

not forgetting dad's mediacal appointments.

Christmas wish. Get my house at punggol.ballot results out next month.

Baby left for Genting today and will be back on friday. I kinda miss him now..not being able to chat with him on the phone.

Today this was what i did. spent my afternoon at TTSH as bird saw liver doc..While waiting we took a lot of silly pictures. hehe. After seeing the doc, we went downstairs and lunched together. Had a simple light meal as after that meeting my primary sch teacher, Mrs Chan. We met at Hougang mall, had tea at Yakun kaya and chatted almost 3 hours. She was telling us how difficult it was to be in the teaching profession especially now that times have changed..teaching is no longer a solid 'iron ricebowl'. On our way back home, we happened to see our aunt so chatted almost an hour. By the time i got back home, my throat kinda became so dry that i felt i had a sore throat!

They are back! Mum and dad touched down at 12plus today. Uncle and i went the airport to pick them up.After which proceed to ah ma place for lunch. Chatted with dad till he took a nap. Then chatted with mum. I'm kinda impress by what medical treatment he had underwent..definitely better than chemo.

Talking about studies, he's just so supportive. Didnt say anything, just said sorry. He didnt seem to mind..think he knows we know what to do.

Laogong is going away to Genting in 2 days time for 3 days. I gonna miss him...

Finally. My parents will be back next mon, 7 dec. Today is mum's birthday. Sad that she s not with us now. Though previously we sent a card to them. Im busying tidying and cleaning the house, washing all the cloths we have now, and bed sheets etc cos when they come back their clothes sure resemble a mountain.

After 3 weeks of mostly outside food, i really think my digestive system going to die. This week we frequent to ah ma place for food. Haha my aunt thought we have no more money, so cant buy food. Actually the real reason is that i m really sick of outside food. oily and unhealthy. Home-cooked food is still the best. I miss vegetables cooked by mum. Hence im very determined to learn cooking before i marry off.hehe. Anyway im eating dinner at baby's house tonight. Home-cooked food again!!

Dad's coming back on the 7 dec.. after that, i m really going to spend alot of time with him. Hopefully he dosnt need to work.

While having lunch today with ahma alone, a sudden topic on dad set her crying. i was kinda shocked..cos never in my life i see her tears. She's afraid that dad will leave us. Perhaps im always running away from the fact that my dad will leave us one day.. i never imagine or thought about the day before. But whatever i always hope for the best cos i do believe there's miracles. This time God gave us a new way- for him to go Guangzhou where this Clifford Hospital is something like east meets west medicine. We all chose this over chemotherapy and i confidently feel this is a good way. The bad stuff around the liver had been successfully removed.

Anyway i strongly believe he still have a long way to go. I only want to hold him on my wedding day when i walk down the aisle in time to come.

i misss my parents...

Written by Hubbyz with love:

One Piggy, One Ducky, One Family (remixed from One People One Nation One Singapore)

We'll built a family with our love
The bond We share will never end
Strangers when we first began, now we're inseperable
Let's reach out with our love, join our hands forevermore

Chorus:
One Piggy, one Ducky, one Family
That's the way that we will be forevermore
Every Kiss and every Hug, has its role and has its place
One Piggy, one Ducky, one Family

And when the time comes for the test
Our endless love will pass the test
We'll be united, hand in hand
We'll show the world just where we stand
And reach out for each other, join our hands forevermore

Lysias
SMU

Bird feather to get well soon
higher gpa
upgrade music theory n piano
learn violin and driving
more shopping

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